When you think about pregnancy, you think about the joy and excitement a woman feels when she learns there's a new life growing within her.  You also think of the deep thoughts of what it will be like to be a mom for the first time.  All of the emotion of becoming a parent can be exciting and the unknown overwhelming. 

I remember what I felt when I found out we were expecting our fourth baby.  I was so excited knowing I had so much more love to give.  My husband, 3 daughters and I were ready for a new little one.  I called my OBGYN to set my first appointment.  I knew the ropes and that they wanted to see me no sooner than 8 weeks after the last menstrual period. 

Finally, it was time for my appointment I was so happy to see my doctor.  My hubby was with me as he was with our daughters.  We were so ready for the sonogram and see our tiny little person in his or her early stage of life.  When the nurse called me to get my weight and vitals, she sent me back to the dim;y lit sonogram room.  I remember laying down on the table to wait for my doctor.  I remember my husband and I laughing and talking. We jokingly talked whether we were having a boy or a girl.  We didn't really have any expectations either way.  We already had 3 girls, lol.

When my doctor entered  she was just as excited to see us.  As she placed that warm jelly on my lower abdominal area above my uterus,  we all talked, laughed, etc.  My doctor is so kind and personable.  Finally, the moment we were waiting for; the doctor began to glide the sono wand over me and the tiny image of what my little one currently looked like.  I could only smile until my doctor had a look of concentration on her face.  It was the look you get when someone or something you're looking for cannot be found.  She then asked if I was sure about my dates.  I told her I was positive.  She said sometimes when the dates are off even by a little bit, the heartbeat can't be seen.  I was somewhat concerned, but thought that perhaps something was off, but I was pretty certain about my dates because I kept a record.  She told me to reschedule in a couple of weeks for another sonogram.

Though I kept fairly busy and had a mostly positive outlook, the what-ifs were there in the back of my mind.  So, the follow up appointment had arrived and I, once again, was ready.  I remember we didn't have much of a wait after I signed in.  Once again, on the table, hubby is right beside me holding my hand this time.  He knew I needed that.  The doctor walks in, she is still conversational, but it's quick to business this time.  More jelly and checking for the heartbeat and more concentration and I could see there was not life.  I just stared at my husband not believing any of this was real.  My doctors words, as she became choked up, explaining my options, are like whispers now.  All I know, is that I chose for everything to take place naturally,  I didn't want a D&C only because I knew the complications and even after learning I was losing my baby, I wanted to have the option of possibly becoming pregnant again later on. 

What I experienced emotionally and Spiritually:
Blaming myself.  I wandered if it was something I did.  Did I eat something bad, should I have avoided pain reliever and just let that headache run its course?

Final realization.  It was out of my control.  It wasn't about me.  It was all about bringing glory to the name of God and helping others who may go through this.

What I experienced physically:
 Light spotting.  The spotting started off a tan color and turned pink to red.

Cramping & Heavy Bleeding.  The cramps are a lot worse than period cramps, but are more like contraction pains.  The bleeding is very heavy and my doctor told me to watch for how fast I soaked up 1 or 2 pads withing a certain amount of time.  Losing blood too quickly is serious.  My husband was very watchful over me during this time.

I think of this baby often, even after 8 years.  This is a baby I was never able to hold, but I'm comforted in knowing he or she is in really good hands. 

If any of you have ever had a miscarriage, I hope you have a great support system: your family, your church, good friends, etc.  Most importantly, know that you are not alone.  Yes, it hurts so bad, but you are not alone!  Also, remember to be there for someone else.  Someone may need to be near someone who's been there and understands what they are going through or have gone through.

I hope that this post will help someone somewhere.  I want you to know that though it may seem like the pain will never go away, you will always miss your little one, but the pain eventually turns into strength.  That strength is not just for you, but for someone who may need to lean on you until they are strong enough to hold someone else up too.

XOXO,

Nae

I love a good fish taco, don't you?  The best fish tacos I've eaten, so far, are the ones I had at a restaurant called Rockfish!  My world was rocked when I had that first bite.  I loved the way they fried the fish and I loved the sauce they had on their tacos.  However, it's been years since I've been back to this restaurant and I don't know if they still exist.  However, whenever I buy fish tacos I compare them to Rockfish. There are just times I think back to those tacos and I just get a taste for them.  Well, I recently starting thinking about fish tacos and this time I decided to make them myself.

When it comes to making things myself, I tend to do things the way my tummy and my mind tells me to, lol.  I decided not to bread the fish or use a batter.  I just wanted a nice layer of seasonings to enhance this fish and the taco itself.  In order to put this all together, I needed to start off with some great fish.

I found this pack of Pollock at my local walmart.  The great thing about this fish is that it's already cut into chunks, which is the perfect size for placing inside of a tortilla. For my family of six it took two of these 16 oz. packages to feed each of us.  I let them thaw.  After the fish has thawed midway, I get my pan ready by putting some olive oil and a two pats of butter in it so that all I have to do is turn on the heat once the fish is fully thawed. You will also want to prepare a slightly oiled skillet for your corn or flour tortillas. I use this time to get my sauce ready as well,  so that once the fish is done, it's all about the fixins', lol.

Nae's Sauce:
1 C Mayonaise
1/4 C Ketchup (or more if you want a sweeter flavor)
2 tsp Soy Sauce
3 tsp Worcestershire Sauce
2 TB of minced garlic (more or less to taste)
Salt (to taste)
Pepper (to taste)
2 TB Freeze Dried Chives (I used McCormick)
2 TB Dried Cilantro Leaves (I used McCormick)
Place mayo, ketchup, soy sauce and Worcestershire sauce in a small to medium bowl and stir until all ingredients are fully combined and consistency is creamy.  Then add the minced garlic and stir until evenly blended.  Add a pinch of salt and pepper.  Taste and decide if more is needed. Add the dried chives and cilantro, stir in completely. Cover bowl with a lid or plastic wrap and refrigerate until it's time to use on the tacos.
* Although I haven't done it yet, I have a feeling this sauce would work on a lot of other meats, pork, chicken or other fish.  Now my wheels are turning, lol.

Once the fish has thawed, heat your oiled pan to medium/medium high heat..  Rinse your thawed fish and dry as best as you can.  You can place the raw fish in a bowl or on a plate to season.  I prefer a bowl. 
Seasoning needed
1TB (approx.) Salsa & Pico seasoning  (I used Penzeys, I believe they have a website)  I added more, but I love the full flavor of this seasoning. I made sure each piece of fish had seasoning on it. This seasoning also has a mild kick to it.
Salt (to taste)
Cayenne (optional) to taste
Black pepper (to taste)
1tsp Garlic Powder
1tsp Onion Powder

Cook your fish until seasoning is nicely golden and fish is flaky. You will need to turn the fish over probably after 2-3 minutes of cooking.  Mine was fully cooked within approximately 6 minutes.  Everyone's stove and heating is different, so don't walk away.

Now it's time to heat the tortillas. We love these white corn tortillas from our local Mexican market. I tend to heat mine on a medium high heat, but only when I know I won't be distracted (I should never do this).  So, on medium heat, in a lightly oiled skillet, I heat each tortilla for about 2 minutes on both sides.  I like mine to be a little crispy, but still bendy, so I'll heat mine a little longer.  Once all of the tortillas are heated, I start building each taco.  My family loves top our fish with a shredded cabbage and carrot salad blend.  We put the sauce over the over the salad and add cheese.  Cheese is, of course, optional for you, but not for us, lol.

If you've never tried a fish taco, It would be awesome if this is your first one and you LOVE it!  I can tell you my family was happy while eating them and very satisfied when they were gone.  Well, my son asked for another one, not because he was hungry but because they were so-ooo good.  Those were his words. He's always so thankful for food, lol, but he doesn't always ask for seconds.

Thank you so much for stopping by.  I'm so thankful that you did.  Have an awesome weekend!

XOXO,

Nae