Life after miscarriage

When you think about pregnancy, you think about the joy and excitement a woman feels when she learns there's a new life growing within her.  You also think of the deep thoughts of what it will be like to be a mom for the first time.  All of the emotion of becoming a parent can be exciting and the unknown overwhelming. 

I remember what I felt when I found out we were expecting our fourth baby.  I was so excited knowing I had so much more love to give.  My husband, 3 daughters and I were ready for a new little one.  I called my OBGYN to set my first appointment.  I knew the ropes and that they wanted to see me no sooner than 8 weeks after the last menstrual period. 

Finally, it was time for my appointment I was so happy to see my doctor.  My hubby was with me as he was with our daughters.  We were so ready for the sonogram and see our tiny little person in his or her early stage of life.  When the nurse called me to get my weight and vitals, she sent me back to the dim;y lit sonogram room.  I remember laying down on the table to wait for my doctor.  I remember my husband and I laughing and talking. We jokingly talked whether we were having a boy or a girl.  We didn't really have any expectations either way.  We already had 3 girls, lol.

When my doctor entered  she was just as excited to see us.  As she placed that warm jelly on my lower abdominal area above my uterus,  we all talked, laughed, etc.  My doctor is so kind and personable.  Finally, the moment we were waiting for; the doctor began to glide the sono wand over me and the tiny image of what my little one currently looked like.  I could only smile until my doctor had a look of concentration on her face.  It was the look you get when someone or something you're looking for cannot be found.  She then asked if I was sure about my dates.  I told her I was positive.  She said sometimes when the dates are off even by a little bit, the heartbeat can't be seen.  I was somewhat concerned, but thought that perhaps something was off, but I was pretty certain about my dates because I kept a record.  She told me to reschedule in a couple of weeks for another sonogram.

Though I kept fairly busy and had a mostly positive outlook, the what-ifs were there in the back of my mind.  So, the follow up appointment had arrived and I, once again, was ready.  I remember we didn't have much of a wait after I signed in.  Once again, on the table, hubby is right beside me holding my hand this time.  He knew I needed that.  The doctor walks in, she is still conversational, but it's quick to business this time.  More jelly and checking for the heartbeat and more concentration and I could see there was not life.  I just stared at my husband not believing any of this was real.  My doctors words, as she became choked up, explaining my options, are like whispers now.  All I know, is that I chose for everything to take place naturally,  I didn't want a D&C only because I knew the complications and even after learning I was losing my baby, I wanted to have the option of possibly becoming pregnant again later on. 

What I experienced emotionally and Spiritually:
Blaming myself.  I wandered if it was something I did.  Did I eat something bad, should I have avoided pain reliever and just let that headache run its course?

Final realization.  It was out of my control.  It wasn't about me.  It was all about bringing glory to the name of God and helping others who may go through this.

What I experienced physically:
 Light spotting.  The spotting started off a tan color and turned pink to red.

Cramping & Heavy Bleeding.  The cramps are a lot worse than period cramps, but are more like contraction pains.  The bleeding is very heavy and my doctor told me to watch for how fast I soaked up 1 or 2 pads withing a certain amount of time.  Losing blood too quickly is serious.  My husband was very watchful over me during this time.

I think of this baby often, even after 8 years.  This is a baby I was never able to hold, but I'm comforted in knowing he or she is in really good hands. 

If any of you have ever had a miscarriage, I hope you have a great support system: your family, your church, good friends, etc.  Most importantly, know that you are not alone.  Yes, it hurts so bad, but you are not alone!  Also, remember to be there for someone else.  Someone may need to be near someone who's been there and understands what they are going through or have gone through.

I hope that this post will help someone somewhere.  I want you to know that though it may seem like the pain will never go away, you will always miss your little one, but the pain eventually turns into strength.  That strength is not just for you, but for someone who may need to lean on you until they are strong enough to hold someone else up too.

XOXO,

Nae